Monday, September 9, 2013

Shitty Parenting Things You Don't Learn in a Book

I'm pretty sure every new parent has read, browsed or at least glanced at a parenting book or website.  It might be BabyCenter or the Bump or What to Exempt When You're Expecting but we all do it.  My weekend was filled with things that you don't find in that book.

The first thing?  Your baby will up and decide to jump out of bed one night.  I couldn't figure out why Jack wouldn't stop screaming at bedtime one night.  We practice CIO (cry it out) -- don't judge-- and Jack has been a great sleeper for the last 9 months.  Very rarely do we have an issue with him.  I put him to bed as I normally do: bath, diaper/pj's, 2 stories read at least 3 times each, a kiss on the forehead, the mobile music turned on and lights out.  This is our routine.  This has been our routine for a long time.  When I put him in his crib, he lost his shit.  Full on screaming that wouldn't stop.  Eventually it was time to put Gabby to bed so I went in there to try to quiet him down so he wouldn't be so loud that she wouldn't sleep.  I opened the door and tripped over him standing in his room with his blankie under his arm.  Of course the logical response was to turn to Felipe and Gabby and ask who the hell got him out of bed.  My brain hadn't yet caught up.  I quickly realized that no one had gotten him out of bed and that he had tumbled out.  I scooped him up, got a sippy cup with milk and Tylenol and sat down with him.  Rocking him until he was nearly asleep.  I put him in his bed and can you guess what happened next?  I shut the door and herd a loud slam as he tumbled out of bed on to his hard wood floors.  Fuck.  Felipe came barreling in to the room.  I demanded that he lower the crib to the floor and took Jack to my bed.  Of course we fell asleep all snuggled up together.  Fast forward to some unknown hour when Felipe came in, scooped up Jack and put him to bed no problems.  4:30 am?  Yeah, Jack woke up and cried for 20 minutes I assume because he was back in bed and unable to escape.  He got over it and went back to bed.

When asked the next morning what he did last night, this is the face I got:

Guilty trouble maker.

The next thing was really shitty.  Literally.  Jack woke me up at 7 am on Saturday morning by whining in his crib.  I got out of bed, went in to find that my son had removed his diaper.  His poopy diaper.  He then proceeded to play in it and (I'm assuming) continue to shit in the bed which would explain the two neat piles I found.  There was poop on his clothes, his arms, his legs, his face and all over the bed.  I took one look at him and said "Excuse me, I haven't even had time to pee yet." and promptly left the room.  Having peed, I returned to find that it was indeed the exact situation that I though.  So, I threw him in a warm bath and started bleaching before 7:30 am.  Shoot me and gag me now.

Tonight it has been 90 minutes and Jack still refuses to go to sleep.  He'll absolutely be up at 6 am as his is every other morning and I'll be in need of some major coffee.

Parenting is great.

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